Sometimes it’s hard to gauge text messages.
A lot of sh*t gets lost over SMS text airwaves — tone, sarcasm, body language — and these things are all vital components of conversation.
In the year 2015, conversational skills do not require one to be especially charming or think on his or her feet; they really just hinge on your ability to decipher and answer “dialogue bubbles” that are exchanged in brief intervals.
And, sometimes, these “dialogue bubbles” are meant to translate to something entirely different than what you might’ve initially perceived them as.
I’ve been told (by women) guys are “tough to gauge,” and texting only makes us impossible to read. I empathize, however, I think you’re giving us entirely too much credit.
For the most part, I think we’re quite simple to read. Trust me, we’re not really into mind games. My best advice: Don’t overthink us.
At the end of the day, we’re pretty straightforward; you just need to know what to look for.
So, in light of this, I’ve decided to try and help you ladies out — by breaking down what exactly a dude means through certain texts and deciphering whether he’d rather sleep with you or date you.
Granted, I can’t speak for every dude out there with access to a cell phone, but, in all likelihood, this is probably what he means by his texts.
When he texts…
After work:
If he texts you after work, he’s probably a good guy.
Realistically, asking “how was ur [sic] day?” over text is, like, the most chivalrous thing a dude can do in 2015, so you should be flattered.
Ultimately, no douchebag will care how your day went or care enough to hear about how miserable your commute home on the subway was.
If you get the text promptly after work, don’t look too deep into it; his intentions are probably genuine.
Verdict: He wants to date you.
The morning:
If he texts you in the morning, there’s a pretty fair shot he likes you — you know, as more than just a friend.
Texts in the morning mean you’re the first thing he thinks about, and he enjoys being in contact with you for the maximum amount of hours during the day.
It might be annoying to have to fill him in on what you’re eating for breakfast every morning — and maintain tolerable conversation over the course of 10 to 12 hours — but, hey, at least his intentions are good. Gotta give us a break, sometimes.
Verdict: He wants to date you.
Only at night:
If he only texts at night, chances are, he’s trying to hit it. This is like the texter-equivalent of that one friend who only comes around when you’ve recently ordered food — and only hangs around on the off chance you’ll give ‘em a bite.
Guys may preface their late-night texts with a brief introductory period — filled with some mundane conversational points and minutiae — but if you’re getting texted routinely at 10:45 pm, it’s probably a booty call.
And if they begin to encroach upon the 12-to-3 am time window, it probably isn’t his first one of the night.
Verdict: He wants to sleep with you.
No response after repeated texts:
I’ve always considered an “ignore” to be a pretty fair way to shoot someone down. Personally, I think it’s better than telling someone outright to “piss off.”
When a chick ignores me, I USUALLY take the hint, however, there are some dudes who fail to read between those conversational lines, so to speak, and ignore the red flag.
Sometimes these guys are club promoters, a lot of them are foreign and — almost all of the time — they’re obsessive. Keep one eye open.
Verdict: He either wants to sleep with you, or he wants nothing at all.
What he calls you…
“Sweetheart”
If he calls you “sweetheart,” with any regularity, he’s either from Staten Island, works in finance or is just a giant prick.
I’ve learned from experience (not necessarily personal experience) that women do NOT take too kindly to being called sweetheart — which I also never really understood because, if you break it down by syllable, it really doesn’t appear to be all that offensive.
Still, even I would never dare call a girl “sweetheart” over SMS text, as it involves some upper-echelon douchebaggery to be able to press send without the slightest inhibition.
Verdict: He wants to sleep with you.
“Babe”
See, “babe” is similar to sweetheart, except it’s a notch or two less pretentious — and a whole slew of notches more basic.
If he calls you “babe,” he’s essentially letting you know he wants to identify you by a cute “pet name” — but he’s just too lazy to figure one out that’s even remotely distinct to you.
Good chance he was in a frat, even better chance he didn’t take (or attend) too many English courses in college. Doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a douchebag, though, as a lot of good men call women “babe” with the finest of intentions.
Verdict: He’s lazy, but he probably likes you.
What he asks you…
To grab a coffee
If he hits you up and asks if you “wanna [sic] grab a cup of coffee” or something along those lines, odds are he’s a gentleman.
Cup of coffee? If you look a little bit deeper, you’ll realize getting a “cup of coffee” is theoretically the exact same premise as “grabbing a drink (containing alcohol),” except without any possibility of s*xual intercourse in the time thereafter.
Thus, if he’s looking for coffee, brace yourself for a respectful fellow, with a potentially mild case of performance anxiety.
Verdict: He’s looking for a date.
To come over and watch a movie
Let’s be real here: When was the last time you actually watched a movie — one on one — with a member of the opposite s*x. For me, that was, maybe, “Spy Kids” — with my mother — so if he’s asking if you want to watch a movie, I’d go ahead and take it with a grain of salt.
Granted, you may START the movie — but, by the time that film’s plot reaches its climax — there’s a good chance he’s hoping you’ll follow suit.
Verdict: He doesn’t even own a TV; he wants to sleep with you.
To send him a pic (followed by a “come-hither” emoji)
Pretty much anything requiring you to take a photo — accompanied by a wink, or any other provocative emoji — is, for all intents and purposes, the “bird call” for unclad pics.
He might be asking you to “send a picture of your shirt,” but do you really think he cares what graphic is laying flush on the chest region of your blouse? Come on. You know better.
If you’re into it — play along — send him a picture of you fully clothed.
Verdict: He wants to sleep with you, and he isn’t going to stick around.
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